Three men walk into a bar: a Greek, an Italian and an Irishman. Each man orders a beer. Three flys fly into the tavern and one fly lands in each man's drink.
The Italian man pulls the fly out of his beer, says "tutto 'e bene" (all is well)" and drinks the beer down.
The Greek man shows his beer with the fly still inside to the barman and asks for another beer.
The Irishman grabs the fly out of the beer, takes it by it's wings, while yelling
"Cough it up, you wee theivin' bastard!"
The Wife
A cop pulls over a speeding driver. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 85 miles per hour.' The driver says, 'My, officer I had it on cruise control at 55, is it possible your radar gun needs calibrating?' Not looking up from her reading the wife says: 'Now don't be coy honey, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.' So the cop writes out the ticket, the man looks over at his wife and says, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut?' The wife smiles and says, 'you should have slowed down when your radar detector went off.' As the cop makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man looks at his wife and says, 'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut for a minute?' The officer glances around and says, 'I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt. That's an automatic $100 fine.' The driver says, 'Well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license and registration out of my wallet.' The wife responds, 'You know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt anymore when you're driving.' And as the cop is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and yells, 'WON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?' The cop looks over at the woman and asks, 'does your husband always talk to you like this, Ma'am?' The wife says, 'Only when he's been drinking.'
A Dying Mans Last Wish
A dying drug addict called his three best friends to his bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $5,000 in cash. He made them promise that after his death and during his viewing, they would place the three envelopes in his casket. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy heaven. A few days later the man died. At the viewing, the three friends, each placed an envelope in the casket and said goodbye to their friend. These three men met again a few months later. The first friend, feeling overwhelmed, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $1,000 in the envelope he put in the casket. He thought, rather than waste all the money, he would spend it on a trip to Florida to buy cocaine. The next friend, moved by the confession of the first, said that he too had kept some of the cash for a fun party. His envelope, he fessed up, had only $800 in it. He said, he could not bring himself to waste the money when it could be used to have a high time. By this time the last friend, a pot head, spoke. "I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the casket contained the full amount. My envelope contained my personal check for the entire $5,000."
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